I'm working myself up into a fit about having to leave Ziggy for five days and four nights soon and then six days and nights in August. It's just so much. And then again in September. And then in October.
Is it harder on her or me? I can't tell, she can't text me and say, "YO, this woman's left me alone for twelve hours. When are you coming home?"
NObody loves Ziggy like I do. The woman yesterday asked how long I leave her outside and then I realized she meant like to just leave her out there. Um, no. Ziggy comes back inside when she wants to. Ziggy gets to do a lot of what Ziggy wants, but why not? She's my pet, my companion, my sidekick, my ride or die. I much prefer her companionship to that of most humans, so why wouldn't I let her on the couch? That's not what causes her belligerence, it makes her not belligerent with me. Now she trusts me to an extent, but she doesn't trust other people which is one reason that she jumps to see their faces and know them.
So here's an interesting thing I just realized. I have long wanted to have foster children but known that my limits don't allow for any serious medical or behavioral issues. But Ziggy is showing me that my limits are a whole lot further than I knew. So much of what I do with Ziggy is what I would do with a child on the autism spectrum, with ADHD, with OCD, with ODD. I know the alphabet soup and I've loved children with all of these titles, I just couldn't imagine raising them ... but at some point when I was locking myself into the bathroom to calm down Ziggy I think I became much less somebody who needs to control her home environment and somebody who will modify it greatly to accommodate some being in need. When I spoke with my co-worker about the dog she had with the issues, she walked through them and said she pees and poops in the house when stressed and I shrugged. I have tile floors and rugs I don't much like, I can get a steam cleaner if rolling them up and storing them isn't good for the dogs (Ziggy spins around on the tile a lot where there's no rug).*
Ziggy is belligerent to strangers but she is very considerate to me in her own ways and brings me tremendous joy. She stretches the limits of my patience, massaging them beyond bounds I previously conceived, and makes me reevaluate what I thought was important. Everybody who meets Ziggy marvels at my patience, but what's the other option? The only other option I was given was to abandon her to a kill shelter where her stress could push her over the edge and change this belligerent teenager into somebody with actual aggression.
I'm doing the best I can with Ziggy, which is not as much as I'd like but it's a whole lot more than most people would do. I am now in the club of people with problem dogs, who manage as best they can.
And I am frequently filled with rage at all the really bad, ignorant people who take cute puppies and fuck them up and then abandon them and leave responsible people to try to fix their mistakes and make dogs who can live in the world and not be killed. Human irresponsibility at its worst. So frustrating.
But I can't dwll there because then I only see Ziggy's failures and not all of her successes, of which there are many. We have momentum.
What I want for Ziggy is to learn to manage her stress so that the world is not a place she needs to react to, to move out of her amygdala. I want her to learn social skills to get along with people and other dogs. I want the kindness and care she has for children (whom she is always better with than adults) to shine through and to find situation where she can use those skills. I want to get her through this period of being broken from past neglect/abuse and to help her learn to then help others coming from the same situation - whether we foster other dogs or children. Ziggy is a remarkable dog in many ways and I think she could do great things if I can figure out how to get her there.
The woman yesterday remarked how very well trained Ziggy is in terms of obedience - she obeys hand signals, etc. She is so easy to train because she's smart and loves positive reinforcement. But I don't need her to do circus tricks, I need her brain to stop short-circuiting. Totally different.
Every time I leave her, it sets us back on this path, this journey to her improvement. But it is what it is and we will survive and keep moving forward, even if there are many steps back along the way.
And to be honest, it's also really hard to leave her because when I feel anxious or depressed, snuggling with Ziggy is the best medicine.
*Note: that dog is pending in an adoption, which is great news for her and she won't be coming to live with us.
Is it harder on her or me? I can't tell, she can't text me and say, "YO, this woman's left me alone for twelve hours. When are you coming home?"
NObody loves Ziggy like I do. The woman yesterday asked how long I leave her outside and then I realized she meant like to just leave her out there. Um, no. Ziggy comes back inside when she wants to. Ziggy gets to do a lot of what Ziggy wants, but why not? She's my pet, my companion, my sidekick, my ride or die. I much prefer her companionship to that of most humans, so why wouldn't I let her on the couch? That's not what causes her belligerence, it makes her not belligerent with me. Now she trusts me to an extent, but she doesn't trust other people which is one reason that she jumps to see their faces and know them.
So here's an interesting thing I just realized. I have long wanted to have foster children but known that my limits don't allow for any serious medical or behavioral issues. But Ziggy is showing me that my limits are a whole lot further than I knew. So much of what I do with Ziggy is what I would do with a child on the autism spectrum, with ADHD, with OCD, with ODD. I know the alphabet soup and I've loved children with all of these titles, I just couldn't imagine raising them ... but at some point when I was locking myself into the bathroom to calm down Ziggy I think I became much less somebody who needs to control her home environment and somebody who will modify it greatly to accommodate some being in need. When I spoke with my co-worker about the dog she had with the issues, she walked through them and said she pees and poops in the house when stressed and I shrugged. I have tile floors and rugs I don't much like, I can get a steam cleaner if rolling them up and storing them isn't good for the dogs (Ziggy spins around on the tile a lot where there's no rug).*
Ziggy is belligerent to strangers but she is very considerate to me in her own ways and brings me tremendous joy. She stretches the limits of my patience, massaging them beyond bounds I previously conceived, and makes me reevaluate what I thought was important. Everybody who meets Ziggy marvels at my patience, but what's the other option? The only other option I was given was to abandon her to a kill shelter where her stress could push her over the edge and change this belligerent teenager into somebody with actual aggression.
I'm doing the best I can with Ziggy, which is not as much as I'd like but it's a whole lot more than most people would do. I am now in the club of people with problem dogs, who manage as best they can.
And I am frequently filled with rage at all the really bad, ignorant people who take cute puppies and fuck them up and then abandon them and leave responsible people to try to fix their mistakes and make dogs who can live in the world and not be killed. Human irresponsibility at its worst. So frustrating.
But I can't dwll there because then I only see Ziggy's failures and not all of her successes, of which there are many. We have momentum.
What I want for Ziggy is to learn to manage her stress so that the world is not a place she needs to react to, to move out of her amygdala. I want her to learn social skills to get along with people and other dogs. I want the kindness and care she has for children (whom she is always better with than adults) to shine through and to find situation where she can use those skills. I want to get her through this period of being broken from past neglect/abuse and to help her learn to then help others coming from the same situation - whether we foster other dogs or children. Ziggy is a remarkable dog in many ways and I think she could do great things if I can figure out how to get her there.
The woman yesterday remarked how very well trained Ziggy is in terms of obedience - she obeys hand signals, etc. She is so easy to train because she's smart and loves positive reinforcement. But I don't need her to do circus tricks, I need her brain to stop short-circuiting. Totally different.
Every time I leave her, it sets us back on this path, this journey to her improvement. But it is what it is and we will survive and keep moving forward, even if there are many steps back along the way.
And to be honest, it's also really hard to leave her because when I feel anxious or depressed, snuggling with Ziggy is the best medicine.
*Note: that dog is pending in an adoption, which is great news for her and she won't be coming to live with us.
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