Ziggy Stardust, teenager

And then Ziggy decides that she is going to have things HER WAY and there is NO ARGUING. 

OK, maybe that's more toddler than teenager. 

The HVAC maintenance guy came to the house and Ziggy caught sight of him before I could get her in her kennel. 

Ever chased a greased pig before?  That is what trying to corral Ziggy was like.  Chicken didn't work, bully stick didn't work, NOTHING WORKED.  I had to do a grab and drag.

Good lord.

So I got her in and gave her chicken and she was SCREAMING so on a pause I went in and handed her a bully stick through the bars.  She THREW IT OUT.  She was PISSED OFF.

Guess that whole relaxation protocol isn't working out so well for us.  I can't recall her ever fighting me like this.  That's not true - in the beginning she would scratch and mouth, and she did none of that this time - she just wouldn't go where I told her to go because her excitement to meet this new person trumped her obedience.

Sigh.  So, that's progress, right?  That she didn't make me bleed?

I'll take it. 

three-walk Ziggy has a lot of sass

This dog.  She got THREE walks today and she's still making me throw things for her. 

She needs a dog play date.

a rush, a calm response

Took Z. out for a short walk this morning.  When I want no drama I have a little route that takes me down blocks with no dogs.

However, the magical block with no dogs now has a dog, and it rushed us.  A huge pit bull mix came tearing off the porch and across the street and into the neutral ground, as her person was shouting for her.  We were walking near the neutral ground and she got pretty close.  I froze, trying to figure out the best situation, as the owner came barefoot off the porch to get the dog, shouting his apologies. 

During this, Ziggy was watching very attentively but allowed me to turn us around and walk slowly in the other direction.

"OK, I got her.  YOu're good," he shouted, and we turned around to continue our walk.  "She's friendly, but you never know with dogs," he said.  "Yeah she's a rescue so can be reactive with other dogs," I responded, "but this was a good reaction for her, so that was good."

Usually a dog rush is a very bad thing - it freaks Ziggy out and her cortisol levels spike through the roof and it takes a long time to calm her back down. Days even.  But this?  She had puppy interest but did not even bark or lunge once.  She pulled a bit as we walked past, but I can handle that - one of our strategies from the beginning has been if we see a dog to turn and walk very quickly in the other direction, which she learned and now she tries to walk very quickly past any stressor, which is huge progress for her.

I am just so proud of this catahooligan, you can't imagine.  Even two months ago the thought of her responding like this would have made me laugh riotously. 

Don't get me wrong - Ziggy isn't "fixed."  She will likely have a hangover from this interaction and will need to not have another stressor for awhile; she will get stressed whenever we walk past the house; she may flip out on another dog in the same situation.  This dog was rushing us and was big, but she wasn't really showing signs of aggression.  Understand that reading that is also huge - Ziggy's dog language has always been a little off.  I credit Black Dog with really helping her.  What a blessing he has been, that silly lab down the street.  I will be so sad when they move (the house is for sale).  I wouldn't say that he and Ziggy are good friends, but they are polite to each other and he has taught her language and signals through his fence.  I don't know how else we could have done that so well.

To see progress like this is so gratifying.  All the time we have spent on training, all the books I have bought and read, all the learning dog language and Ziggy's particular signs, all the going against what other people say to do what I know is best for my dog - it's paying off. 

Roux's mom says it's also about Ziggy growing up, which is also true.  And also about settling into life with me - it took us a really long time, but she's mostly adjusted.  She knows we'll go home to a quiet house. 

I'm thinking again about fostering dogs from the shelter.  I think Ziggy could be ready.  Am I?  Well, maybe I need to paint first.

My darling little Ziggy Stardust.  

my best girl

Quite possibly one of the best things that has happened to me in my adult life is that I wasn't allowed to give Ziggy back.

Things have been hard with her, I won't lie.  She's made truly remarkable progress* but things can still be rough.  If we leave the house I always have to think three steps ahead of her.

Something that I find really interesting is how much variation there is in how she views people.  This morning we saw a number of people and her reactions from a quick view ranged from dancing like a deer and crying with joy to see a man she's never seen before to watching a man with a slow, hard stare.  It freaked him out and he stared back and she stared harder with a, "Don't fuck with us" look.  She won't back down.  Most people she sees with curiosity - where are they going, do they need supervision? - and then we go on our way.  We saw the Black Dog and I think that our new normal is that they are really good together.  Ziggy is moody.  Not with me, but with other dogs she has definite moods of wanting to be playful or not.  This is why I think we probably won't get a second dog.  Today she was pretty playful and I wished we could have them run together.

But where Ziggy is truly remarkable is how she rises when I am stressed.  My stress doesn't stress her out, it makes her be really good.  It makes her show up and be present and comforting, doing unusual things like sleeping with me, sitting on my lap, pushing me to hug her, curling up next to me to pet her (best anxiety relief ever), etc.  Today I got home from work and she got out of the crate and we went to the living room and she jumped on the couch and as I sat down she was behind me and somehow ended up draped around my shoulders, like a stole.  A 55 pound stole who is usually not about this sort of thing, but we sat like that, cheek to cheek and it was so comforting, as if she was saying, "Hey, I LITERALLY have your back!"

Ziggy didn't choose me.  I still am under no illusion that I am her first choice.  There are many people she would leave me for in a hot minute, and I would just be dust in the rearview mirror without a second thought.

But through our life together and our training and everything, we have shaped ourselves to each other. I'd heard of Catahoula magic before, how they can read their owners' minds, and I thought it rubbish - but now I can see it.  I don't usually have to tell Ziggy to get off the bed when I want to change sheets, she just does.  For months when I got her, changing sheets was a horrible ordeal because she was out of control.  OH good lord this dog was such a monster.  But now it's not an issue usually.

We were roughhousing earlier and she now can hold back - she sometimes slips but generally no mouthing, no scratching, or very gently if so.  Contrast that to eight months ago when I would have gashes and bruises like crazy. 





*I have this twisted fantasy of calling up the trainer from before and arranging a session for Ziggy to show up and pay her no mind and be extraordinarily well trained.  That's a long way off, but I want to choreograph a dance of us together called IN YOUR FACE. 

independent outside

The good news:  Ziggy used the dog door fully on her own in the middle of the night (at 4 am).  First time, and I'm very proud of her. 

The bad news: her fitful sleep made mine also fitful and far too limited. 

Bad thunderstorms are rolling in and she's not a fan.  Lots of thunder and lightning and dark skies, though the rain hasn't hit yet.  But close.  Driving to work will not be fun.

She is quiet and sleepy and I worry about her when she is like this. 

I am always worried about her demise.  I thought that eight years since my last dog was long enough to wait, but her death still haunts me.  Losing her was hard.  And I am not Zen in any way about the thought of losing Ziggy. 

Perhaps I overprotect her, but if you within two weeks of getting a dog are visited by animal control officer threatening to take and kill your dog, your foundations feel shaky.  I do not want Ziggy to ever be in another situation that could lead to such an outcome.  She is reactive and unpredictable, and while she is getting better, it will always be my job to predict her from her crazy self.   

clicker out

Ms. Ziggy has decided that she doesn't like the clicker. 

Was trying to work on Dr. Karen Overall's Protocol for Relaxation* and Ziggy was doing ok.  Usually she whips through all that like nobody's business and it feels silly to even do the "sit 5 seconds.  sit 10 seconds" sort of things. But for whatever reason today after a few of the steps, she decided she was done.  I tried to come back to it an hour later and I noticed her ears go back with the clicker and she would not listen or do anything I asked.  So I put it away and asked her to sit and then she obeyed.

Great. 

Yes, the clicker has only ever been used appropriately.  I'm very careful with it and don't use it much.  She's never expressed an aversion to it before. 

It's just so hard when no expert can help.  This relaxation protocol is supposed to help her learn to calm when stressed. 

And yet, she is a wonderful dog.  Today she wanted exercise but it was fucking 97 degrees out.  We played frisbee a few times but it wasn't fun for either of us really, both seeking shade.  But she goes out on her own and pushes around the bucket, growling and howling at it.  She comes back in panting, ready to relax again.  I've been so lucky with dogs who do not take their energy out in destructive ways, but go outside and get their ya-yas out alone when there's no other option. 

How can I help her learn to keep her reactivity in check the same way?



*Found here: http://www.dogdaysnw.com/doc/Protocol_for_Relaxation-_Karen_Overall.pdf.

This isn't the best article she's read

frisbee

Ziggy is in a quiet mood today.  The walk this morning seems to have been hard on her somehow, and she is not her usual vivacious self.  This does make it easier for studying and I'm sure she'll rally.  It makes no sense to me how the heat is so hard on a dog that is specific to this region, bred of Indian dogs from red wolves over hundreds of years.  Well, we all do love our air conditioning.

After writing that, she rallied - at nearly precisely the time I get home from work most days.  We are in sync.  And I said, "Do you want to help me get the laundry?" and she danced around as she does, and I said, "And we can play some frisbee."

When we got outside (stifling heat, no shade in my backyard), Ziggy ran across the yard and picked up a frisbee and brought it to me - before I even left the courtyard, she had dropped it and stood back, ready to pick it up.  She's never done this before, so I think saying the word triggered it.  She is such a smarty pants, such a darling.

snoozing and losing

By the time I called to accept the appointment, it had already been taken.

You snooze, you lose. 

It's ok, I was kind of stressed about the drive.

And maybe this was just a good wake-up call for me to work with Ziggy on my own.  When I look back at how much progress she has made, I know I'm on the right track mostly.

Today we got to see Black Dog and while Ziggy initially wanted to be a jackass, she kept herself in check and they were both very good and she calm-signalled him so that he was all, "Wait, come back, I want more of you," but she was ready to keep on walking. 

Ziggy has charms.  When not out of control, she can charm people and dogs alike - she was called "Mayor of the Dog Park" when we used to go.  She has a friendly confidence that beings find appealing.  And that cute pink nose of hers.

OK, this means that my weekend is free again, which is good news in many ways.  I need to schedule two hours every weekend day and one hour most weekdays to focus on Ziggy: reading books, researching, and implementing training.  That's a lot, but I can do it.  If I do this, I can save myself a lot of money and time of having to drive to Houston to see the expensive vet (whom I am sure is totally worth it).

Summertime snuggles

Near but not quite touching.

appointment

When I called to make the appointment with the behavioral vet, the earliest was mid-October.  That's ok because it's a school break that week, but October is a really busy time for me around the house.

I just got a call about possibly having an appointment this Monday, bright and early. 

Oh lordy, that's something to consider.  I'd need to book a hotel and figure out logistics and ... it's a lot.  A lot of money, a lot of hassle.  It's a six hour drive each way.  It's hot, which means I can't leave her in the vehicle even for a minute to run inside to pee. 

In many other ways, this is perfect timing.  While I have a lot that I want to do, I don't have to.  I have another month almost with my big school project until due and taking off a day from work now is no big deal. 

Tempted.  Going to think about it.

Ziggy has made TREMENDOUS progress, as illustrated with the visit last weekend.  But ... what do I want from this vet?  To root out underlying issues, really deal with her reactivity, be able to trust her more. 

Ziggy is such a good dog that this seems unnecessary ... but she still melts down.  Do I want to try to keep her safe from all stress?  Not really.  I want her to be out in the world.  I want to be able to trust her and for her to trust me (which she is more - so long as I take the leader role and protect her, she behaves much better). 

I also want her to stop fucking jumping on people and dogs.  It's so exasperating how she just flips out when a person comes to the house.

OK, lots to think about.  It's like me going to the doctor for a sore throat.  It may just be a sore throat, but it may be something more serious, like strep, that can be easily treated with the right pill. Ziggy won't get a pill - I don't think she needs medication, despite what I've been told by other "experts."

What Ziggy needs, honestly, is somebody committed to her training.  And I've been sluffing off because we've been doing well.  Whenever I"m not consistent, she doesn't "learn" the behavior I want.  That's on me.

This is a big financial investment, but since I expect her to live another twelve years or so, it's worth it if it works.  If it doesn't work, I will have wasted a considerable amount of money.

Hm.

walks

Walking Ziggy is a complicated thing.  Sometimes, it's great.  Sometimes, she's a huge pain in the ass - she pulls, lunges at every bird she sees, overreacts to people and other dogs. 

She loves walks, but she also loves helping me with the laundry and playing games. 

I like walking a dog.  But her behavior is better when not walked twice a day.  Usually.  I find. 

This morning she was all puppy energy - mischievous and happy, looking for trouble with a sense of humor.  Lord, I don't have enough energy for all that.  I have a big backyard and we play and that's often better for this reactive pup. 

I'm thinking of fostering a dog.  I just can't make the commitment to being a two-dog person, but Ziggy deserves social interaction and those poor pups deserve breaks from shelters.  We'll see. 

disappointment and fear

Out in a field we walked past tonight, there was a dog.  A wee bit of a thing running loose and free, apparently quite happy.  But, close to the road so I worried and we walked toward it.  As soon as it saw me it popped to attention but then Ziggy saw it and she started dancing with excitement and that little thing ran off in terror. 

Ziggy was disappointed to not make a new friend, but that little puppy was out of its mind with fear.  I wonder why. 

when you love a dog

Today I called a fancy-schmancy butcher shop and asked if they have any dog bones available.  He said they did and asked my name, so after work I went.

He'd said there were beef knee joints, but there were not.  So, he grabbed a beef ribcage and carved out the prime rib for his counter and gave me about 12 pieces of ribs for a ridiculously low price and thanked me for coming in.  I swear he always undercharges me. 

So, the Zigster (what my co-worker calls her) got one of those pieces today (the rest are in the freezer, to be doled out judiciously) and she is so delighted.  She overheated and came in to share her gratitude until she goes back outside to it, and it makes me happy to see her happy. 

so how do we have more positive interactions?

I've been trying to figure out why Ziggy was so well behaved with my friends who visited, and I think maybe there are some factors:

1.  There were two of them.  Sometimes that seems to help.
2.  There were really three of them.  Their dog was quite good and not usually too interested in shenanigans.
3.  She hadn't been out on a walk in days.  Limiting the stressors makes a big difference in her behavior.  
4.  I took the lead on everything - if either dog started to cross a boundary or show disrespect to the other, I intervened.  They wouldn't lay down for a long time because they don't trust each other, so I very carefully monitored their behavior and distract them if there was any indication that one of them was getting stressed.  I kept my nervousness in check, and the friends helped with that. 
5.  He is in frail health.  He has had organ transplants and his balance has gotten very bad of late, so he moves quite slowly and carefully to avoid falling.  I think that despite being a jackass to me a whole lot of the time, and to most adults, that Ziggy could tell that she needed to be more gentle with him.  Like she is with children and people she met at the nursing home.  She slammed into the woman - the dogs were running and Ziggy didn't like how the other dog was grabbing her leg, so she swerved and slammed right into the woman, which disrupted the "game" she didn't like.  The woman is very fit and active and could take it but marveled at how much dog Ziggy is, how solid a projectile.  Yep. 

Again I think: if Ziggy could calm herself down and stop being so overreactive, she could be a very good dog for people with difficulties, physical or emotional.  She has a confidence and understanding with some people (not with me - we tried to walk yesterday and while she didn't jerk, she wasn't good about not pulling).  There's just something about Ziggy that is special.  Someday I could see her being the kind of dog who wants to listen to kids read - now she would just kiss them too much.  Because of my background, I could see her in court with kids who have been abused or neglected, comforting them and helping them feel protected. 

I don't know what all Ziggy can do, and I won't until we get her behavior really under control.  One perfect visit gives me hope but doesn't fool me - I've seen her at her worst and I know she can melt down and go there again. 

But just to watch her, so happy to sit calmly between the two of them - what dog is this?  She could barely be bothered to give me the time of day, which I'm fine with.  Ziggy knows I'm boss and she figures out how everybody else fits into the pecking order, and she was very submissive (for her) with my friends.  She's not the kind of dog to be passive or how most people think of submissive, but for her to not jump and to sit calmly, that's very submissive for her.  She sought them out for affection and expressed gratitude to them.  Of course my friends accused me of never petting her, that the poor dog just needs some love.  Sometimes Ziggy is very snuggly and loving, but a lot of the time she's off doing her own thing.  I asked them if her personality is like the Catahoula they used to have - a very sweet dog I liked quite a lot - and he said oh no, that their Catahoula was much more needy, but that's not all of it.  Camille was afraid of children and other dogs and had some other quirks.  Bless my friends for always adopting from a shelter, and you never know what issues a dog will have from their past.  But no matter what Ziggy went through, she's a very confident dog which is a different kettle of fish.  She is very cat-like in her dismissiveness of me; she usually seems to like me quite a bit and we have some good times, but she would have left me for my friends in a heartbeat.  She doesn't like most people that much, but the ones she does - she is ready to leave me for without a second thought.  She adored The Young Man, and whenever he would leave she would despondently sob, because she so wanted to go with him. 

She's a funny one, this Catahooligan. Brash and bold, good-natured but puts up with no shit. 

I want to build upon this really excellent visit but I'm not sure how best to.  Most of my friends' dogs have issues at least as bad as Ziggy; one has a dog that latches on to other dogs - Ziggy would flip out if he did that to her.  Another has two dogs that cannot be in the same room because they so aggressively attack each other.  Another has two dogs who are a demolition force.  I need more friends with dogs.  That was actually what somebody suggested - that instead of getting a second dog, that I date somebody with a dog.  In theory that could be good. 

After seeing how hard Ziggy slept after this visit, I think that she doesn't need another dog at least right now, and because if my friend's dog who ran away is ever found I would take him, and I sure don't need three dogs.  She just needs a good, active social life. 

OH, and she has taken to ignoring the yappie dog next door.  Sometimes she'll still run with it and greet it, but a lot of the time she's just really over it and turns her back and walks away.  That's a huge calming signal and sign of maturity and I'm very proud of her.  She's learning to step away from stress. 

I think that Black Dog down the street was very helpful.  While they only interacted less than ten times, it was very instructive because he was very explicit in his signals, and the fence allowed him to do that.  Ziggy's a smart cookie and she learned. 

Now, I don't want to get too excited because one good visit does not a new dog create.  But every time Ziggy has a good interaction with a dog, we are rewiring the bad ones.  And she does trust me to intervene - when the other dog would find a toy (which he destroys) and I took it from him, she would watch approvingly.  When he was chasing her in a way she found threatening, she looked to me to intervene and I did.  And that time when that dog chased us from the porch, Ziggy kept her shit together because I was actively intervening, physically preventing the other dog from getting to her, telling the other person what to do, etc.  Maybe her trusting me as her pack leader is a big step in reducing her anxiety about new situations. 

I'll never fully understand the ways of Ziggy Stardust's mind.  But that is ok so long as we are making positive progress.

successful playdate

There are some warning signals here, but overall things went very well.  An hour and a half of hanging out, and all was good.  The only slight kerfuffle was when Ziggy told Roux to get out of the doorway when we were trying to get outside. 

Ziggy completely charmed Roux's people and was on her very best behavior.  The sort of behavior I"ve never seen her do with another person besides me.  Wasn't long before they were mocking me for my overconcern.  They insist that they can watch her when I travel, and I wish I had a short trip coming up to test it, before my long six-day trip in August. 

I'm so glad I've learned so much more about calming signals, to encourage them and to stop behavior that interferes with it.  Roux likes to chase Ziggy and grab her legs which stresses her out so we stop that, but when they run and Ziggy chases him and doesn't catch up, we encourage that.  I've taught her to do that with me - when I first got her, her prey instinct was so strong she was a menace and I was worried about her with kids, but she has learned to run and chase but not make contact with me.  Very proud of her doing that with another dog, too.  She's learned a lot of manners from the black lab down the street and I can read her better now, too.  I had to stop a few things like my friend wanting to take a selfie with her and both dogs (forcing them into too close proximity), but things went very well.

Progress, y'all. Such progress.  So proud of my wild beast. 

dog door

We are still struggling with the dog door.  I'm a bit averse to having her whine at it to go out because that seems asking for problems with accidents, so I usually go to her and encourage her to go through.  I don't open the main door, but I'll say, "Go, Ziggy !  push that door open!"  Who knew I'd be a cheerleader for this dog? She's somewhat more willing to come in by herself, though she will also stand outside and cry until I say, "Come in!" and wave her in.

Yesterday she wanted to go outside because her bone was out there - her new thing is to chew on it, then take a break and come inside, and then when she thinks the time is right she'll go back outside and get it and bring it inside.  She stood at the door and cried and I just ignored her because I knew her game.  She kept it up, laid down whimpering.  poor poor Ziggy can't go outside!  But of course she can!  She just had to go out the goddamn dog door by herself, but she acts like when I have a tasty treat someplace she can't reach - she doesn't countersurf, if I put something up then she knows to keep her paw off and she usually complies.

She's acting about the dog door like she acts when I'm in the kitchen - she hangs back and waits for permission.  Like a vampire.  ANd like with that, if she really wants something she's going to ignore me and go for it.  This morning she wouldn't go out on her own until she heard commotion and the neighbor dog pitching a fit, and then she stormed right out there.

I really do think that she thinks that she's supposed to ask permission to go out the dog door and that she thinks she's being mannerly by doing this.  And I do not know how to convince her that she doesn't have to ask permission, that she is free to go anytime she likes.  Even in the night, which she has never once done.  Maybe she could let me sleep in more if she knew she could just let herself out in the morning.

This is a new puzzle with Ziggy, who is usually brash and rude and doesn't think about being mannerly or asking permission.  I want to figure out how to leverage this to help her learn better manners in other situations.  But at the same time, I don't want to get up whenever she needs to go in or out! 

Hm ... I think that her rules are: ask permission of the person unless there's a crisis.  She heard a crisis outside and ran out on her own.  I think that she considers people coming to the door a crisis that she must handle - she needs to check them out and make sure it's all good, and she won't stop jumping on them.  How do I convince her that I've got this under control? 

This Ziggy is such a challenge.  A friend said something on FB about the next time Ziggy pees somewhere I don't like, and I was baffled.  Ziggy doesn't communicate that way, thank goodness.  Sometimes she vocalizes a lot and I can never figure out what that means but it's hilarious.  Wish I could decipher that.  She expresses herself in other ways, such as aversion to doing certain things. 

Stanley

This story is hilarious.  Stanley is a rescued golden retriever who just cannot be bothered to be like other dogs.  He has his own ways and he is very set in them.  He won't respond when called or be trained or anything, but he's very sweet with everybody including children and cats, and so his peculiar habits (like every day collecting the same three items and putting them in the same place) are just worked around.  His family just says, well that's the way it is and we love him.

I'm just so angry at all the people who abandon their pets and leave the rest of us to pick up the pieces.  Such irresponsibility.  The only pets in shelters should be the ones whose owners have died without somebody who can take them, that sort of thing. 

Ziggy's quirks include her reactivity, and if that's how we have to live then I'll live with it, but I keep having hope that we'll get over it.  Maybe we could foster dogs until placement.  Maybe Ziggy could pass a canine good citizenship test and visit nursing homes and children struggling with reading who need a patient listener. 

I want Ziggy to have a full life and I'm still not sure of her limitations that we cannot overcome.  I want to keep trying.  She is such a love bug and can bring so much joy to people that I hate to not keep trying to help her learn manners and stop freaking out. 

ONe day at a time. 

Please may i have a corner?

Lazy Saturday rules: dog gets couch

run wild

Because of the backpain, I did not go meet the other dog.  Until I'm healed, there's no way I could respond to any kind of problem between them.  Ziggy is very strong and focused, not easy to hold back, and I need to know that I have all my strength if that's what I need. 

I'm taking today off of work because I need it.  My back is actually better, just very tight, and I need to keep moving and not sit in an office chair for eight hours.  We won't be able to walk until it's better because Ziggy does lunge at squirrels and birds too often, which would pull me out of whack. 

It's about 8 am, and she's crashed on the tile floor.  She ran around like a crazy dog earlier - outside with the neighbor dog, then in the house and out again.  My house and yard are big enough for this behavior and I encourage it - though not how she tried to grab the dog towel from me that I was shaking out before putting in the wash.  She gave up when I told her to and ran some more.  I know I sound so lazy by wanting her to run like in, in manic circles, but it's EXACTLY what I want her to do.  It's so good for her to run like that, since we can't go hiking often enough for her to do that. 

And this is why I want to get another dog, for her to run crazy like this. I have friends with a black-mouth cur and they want the dogs to be friends.  They met once and it wasn't perfect; he doesn't calm her down and so their behavior escalates.  They had a great time running around together, but when it was time to go they had a kerfuffle that ended in blood (Ziggy's).  We all think it wasn't a sign of aggression, just jockeying and spatting, but it spooked me and I don't know how to get them together in a way that will ensure success.  There is a lot of motivation for success: they have offered before to dogsit Ziggy, which is impossible now in my mind because Ziggy is such an unpredictable beast.  IF I knew for sure that they would get along, I'd be thrilled.  Also, they travel a fair amount and it would be wonderful for him to come spend some weekends with us.  He's a good dog, I like him a lot.  He calms down with them, but he and Ziggy together are like Beavis and Butthead - or at least they were on that one occasion. 

the perils of sitting

I've been sitting way too much, just still exhausted and overwhelmed from that work trip.

I know Ziggy needs more exercise and I've been so wiped out and the heat is miserable. 

And then this morning I sat at the kitchen table with my coffee and suddenly my back seized up.  Good god.  I managed to get to a bed and stretch myself out, and Ziggy - who had been watching to see if I was playing or really in pain since she's never seen me like this - got up and laid down right beside me in the same position.  Lots of gentle kisses.  She is such a good dog.

She's been a jackass the past couple of days, since feeling better from whatever messed up her stomach.  NOt wanting to listen, being pushy and belligerent, etc.  Three steps forward, two steps back.  IN another teething phase, acting like a naughty teenager. 

But the good thing is - I know how to respond.  I'm tired of it, but I have a young Catahoula.  Be calm and consistent.  Even when she refuses to obey a command she knows very well, expect that she will.  Make it worth her while.  Play games with her, go outside with her.  Every time she mouths say no and redirect.

And today she is the sweetest possible dog ever.  So very attentive and obedient.  I don't even have to give her commands, she just knows what she needs to do. 

This Catahoula is a handful, and all my friends and the trainer marvel at how patient I am with her.  But what's my other option?  If I were to beat her (which I would of course never do), it simply wouldn't work.  This is not about dominance or any of that Cesar Milan nonsense, this is about an intelligent dog who's been traumatized and is still very young.  Maybe a year and a half now.  OF COURSE she pushes boundaries.  If she didn't, I'd be bored because she would be stupid. 

Shit, I can't have back pain.  I was just thinking I can ask a friend to walk Ziggy, but I have a house to vacuum and a yard to mow.  NO, this will not work.  So, we'll still do the walk and see how it goes. 

I love the look she gives me when I say, "Where's the rope?" when she just dropped it below me on the floor.  I can't see over edge of the couch, can't reach, but she looks at me like I'm ridiculous. And then she humors me, picking it up and handing it to me. 

My sweet, sweet little smarty pants.

still pondering

Do I get a second dog?

Here's who I'm meeting tomorrow.


It's just ... y'all, I have at least two friends who have rescued dogs and one has attacked the other.  One friend, her two dogs cannot be in the same room.  What kind of life is that?  The other, the attack of one greyhound pushed the other one to death (not directly killing, but indirectly). 

I don't want that in my life or Ziggy's.  And while Selma and Otter had the best relationship possible, that's not always what happens.  I got Selma when she was six weeks old and she was molded by three bossy women and a cat who ruled the roost.  Then when she was six months old the Airedale came and charmed us all with her goofy ways.  I didn't know to be nervous, and I never had to be - seconds after meeting Otter, Selma had ripped up her glued-down ears and mauled her and came running to me with the most glee - "THANKS MOM, FOR THE NEW LIVE TOY!"  They were so good together, always.  Never anything but the best behaved dogs getting alone perfectly, always.  Other dogs would come visit and they would say, "Welcome!  Would you like some food?" and lead them to the food bowl and watch the other dog eat while wagging their tales and graciously then leading the dog to the yard, the toys, whatever else s/he would like. 

Seriously, those dogs were such gems.  Amazing. 

And Ziggy is an extraordinary dog, but she has issues. 

But then I have to give her credit to balance that out.  We were just outside and the Yorkie on the other side barks hysterically.  Ziggy checks in with him and they run and she says hello and all that, but she barks 1/100 of what he barks.  And she's just running for fun, and I can distract her with other things, and when she's done with him and his crazy ways, she walks away.  And this morning (or yesterday?) there were TWO dogs up ahead of us across the street, and we just kept walking, turning to stay across the street from them, and it's like they weren't even there.  Ziggy still stiffens up and gets nervous around the house where the huge Rottweiler sits outside or other houses where dogs bark aggressively at her, but she really has made progress.  And I feel like the next level of progress is getting another dog to be her compadre.  I just don't have enough dog connections here to give her a social life.  My friends with dogs live far away or other issues, and I dont' take her to the dog park because of owners being stupid.  And because she likes to pick on grouchy people and dogs, annoying them further. 

I own it.  My dog is a jackass.  But she's not mean, and I don't want her to be.

Part of me thinks I should wait longer, go to the vet, all that.  But the other part of me knows the clock is ticking.  When Catahoulas turn two, their personalities change.  Her exuberant enthusiasm may change.  I want to give her positive experiences before then.  I want to keep up the positive momentum, and I want her to have a full, happy life.  Because she's not easy-going, I can't do the things I thought I could with her, like doggy day care and dog parks.  So I need to figure out her pack needs another way. 

Well, I guess I'll go meet the other dog tomorrow.  He's smaller than Ziggy by about ten pounds, a lab/jack russell mix.  Yes, I know that JRT are all stuff and nonsense, just like Ziggy.  I'm hoping the lab pulls through strong, with the calm and good nature, but the jack russell intelligence and energy to keep up with Ziggy.  why on earth would I want to own two of the most difficult breeds?  Because I like free thinking dogs. 

So, we'll see. First I meet him.  Then we plan a neutral meeting.  Then my house, hopefully with help.  We'll see how it goes. 

pursuit

Over the past few weeks, I've sort of tepidly put my toes in the water of the idea of getting a second dog. 

I'm a one-dog woman.  Always have been.  I really like the relationship that forms between one person, one dog. 

But, I don't think that's best for Ziggy.  She is so much more social and outgoing than me and she wants a pack.  If I can't bring home a man or children, I'd best be getting another dog. 

I've seen several potential candidates available at the shelters so I've sent emails.  We'll see how this goes.  I already run my AC for one dog, I might as well run it for two. 

Thank goodness Ziggy's stomach upset has passed.  Kaopectate, papaya enzymes, white rice.  Works for me, works for her (well, except the kaopectate - I never take medicine for stomach issues unless I have a serious infection).  This means she's hungry but she's still on strictly reduced rations as a result of all the puke and diarrhea I've seen the past few days. 

I actually cooked dinner based on what was best for Ziggy, so she got white rice with tuna and green peas.  My version also had green onions and mayo.  We're both happy. 

So if I get another dog, what will change?  I'll have to get another crate, another couch most likely. I'll have to teach it all the good habits that Ziggy has, which are many in number - she's not destructive, she doesn't steal food or beg, she is totally housebroken, etc. etc.  Except for her reactivity, she's really a fantastic dog. 

Maybe I don't need to get another dog, maybe we just need to start freestyling.  I put on "Work" and started dancing and he jumped up on me and I told her no, but as I kept dancing and made duck face she jumped up and put my bottom lip firmly yet gently between her teeth.  WHAT THE WHAT?!  When she's focused, she does have amazing agility, but that still amazes me.  And while it's definitely somethign I do not want her to do again, I have to give her props.  She's a pretty extraordinary dog once we figure things out. 

stress stacking: a real thing

This morning's walk with Ziggy Stardust was a 9 out of 10. We saw a dog in a backyard that we haven't seen before and she lunged up to dance around like a deer, as she does, but she didn't lunge towards the dog or do any barking.  I greeted the dog and it seemed friendly and Ziggy only dance-lunged twice and then we continued on our merry way.  Then a cat was in the street walking toward us and Ziggy pretended to barely even notice.   Then we got to Black Dog's house and he was there (finally!  Three walks past and no Baby) and he came down and they greeted and Ziggy was extremely mannerly - no barking, no lunging, everything by the Calming Signals book.  Then Black Dog peed through the fence and when he finished Ziggy peed on the sidewalk beside it and I don't know what that means but he got obsessed with it and Ziggy was fine to keep on walking.

We walked past the same dog in the backyard and there was one dance-lunge until I greeted the dog and then we kept going. Then a dog being walked up ahead a block, the way I need to go, oh shit.  So we took off running toward the dog.  A slow jog of course and a turn at the block.  I know Ziggy saw the dog but it wasn't reacting and was still a ways off and we were jogging so she didn't pay it any mind.

This.  This right here.  This is HUGE progress for Ziggy. 

And why?

Cortisol vacations.

Ziggy loves walks and I love taking her on walks, but the stimulus stacks up and pushes her to overreaction.  So when she's worked up, we stay home.

This is completely against what most people say.  "Your dog needs more exercise."  No, my dog needs less stimulus.  And when we are able to reset her adrenaline meter, she is able to keep herself much better under control.  Much less reactivity.  STill her sassy pants self, but not a jackass.

sleeping with baby

Last night was a rough night with the pooch. She was restless, which was explained by a huge pile of puke in the early hours. 

This morning despite audible tummy rumbling, she's in a very good mood.  She is very bright-eyed and enthusiastic. 

Also, she did poop yesterday or this morning, so she doesn't have a blockage which is always my worry.  She puts so many things in her mouth and while she's usually pretty smart, she can be a jackass.  The only health my last dog had was an abdominal blockage and that was a very serious medical issue and cost.  And she was so easy to manage - she stayed at the vet for monitoring for days before they operated on her and easily charmed everyone.  Ziggy in a vet kennel?  Oh lord, I would be charged with domestic terrorism.  I'm not trying to make Ziggy into Selma, but if Ms. Stardust could be just a tad less belligerent, our lives would be easier.

So I slept in late and now it's hot and I don't feel great, so we shall not go find a hike after all.  Not today.  Another day. 

Now she's barking at the neighbor and running along the fence, that gets her heartrate up. 

Look, when I got Ziggy I was so worried about getting her enough exercise, enough activity.  And I pushed her into meltdown after meltdown without knowing it.  Ziggy for whatever reason does not have a normal Catahoula's need for exercise.  I don't know if she has a health defect or what, or if it's a result of her brain misfiring.  When I take her out to the woods, she sneaks in the house to nap on the bed instead of exploring.  When we got out for walks, within 20 minutes she stops to lay down to take a break, which she does repeatedly - and that's not just in summer.  If we play "fetch" or frisbee, she'll want to do it maybe a dozen times maximum and then she's done.  She doesn't really want to go outside without me, and even if I'm outside too long she'll come back in without me. 

This Catahoula loves her air conditioning, her soft furniture.  I don't think I made her soft, I think she came to me this way.  Her background is such a mystery to me.

I am fantasizing about moving away from here to a town in or beside national forest, to give us a chance to go backpacking and tons of exploration and hiking.  And Ziggy would dig it - she'll go wherever I go, do whatever I want, and she'll be awesome.  But she will be very happy to get home.  My need for nature is not shared by her.  She's more of a sprinter than a marathoner, and I'm the opposite.  But, she adjusts. 

grass grazing

I pushed myself too hard physically this morning and made myself a bit ill, and Ziggy is the kindest of nursemaids.  She sticks very close positioning herself either at my feet on the rug, across the room on a chair to keep an eye on me, or beside me on the couch  WE've been in and out a lot with laundry and other tasks and I tripped once from the exhaustion and now she tries to block me from getting on the stairs altogether.  This is a dog who learns quickly.

She got quite upset with me last night for removing her collar.  I think it's probably good to do from time to time and I want to brush her and it's more effective wtihout collar, but she went bonkers and wouldn't stop jumping on and scratching me.  I held her down which I know is not the best way to handle things, but sometimes grabbing her by the scruff of the neck like a naughty pup is the easiest thing to do.  She now lets me do that, but nobody else.

She's sleeping hard and isn't eating and I'm a bit worried about her.  This morning she ate a lot of grass and vomited it up. She will play for a bit, but she's not upset about no walks. 

Poor baby. 

The face of a dog who does not want to give up the pillow

back to the training

I'm reading Click to Calm: Healing the Aggressive Dog by Emma Parsons and we're currently working on two things:  walking without pulling and watching me when I tell her to.  Back to using the clicker and treats, though I need to get some better treats.  Everybody recommends hot dogs but ick, i just cannot.  First of all because they're gross, and second of all because I ate a bit of one when doing a marathon and it made me quite sick and i can't be near them anymore.  I could use cooked chicken but that's her special "Your mother is abandoning you ALL DAY locked up in this crate" treat.*  The little training treats we use are only really good in the house; once we go outside, they're too boring for her. 

One of the things this author recommend is taking away all toys and governing play time.  The problem I have with that is that Ziggy likes to play with me but she also likes to play alone.  She will throw toys up in the air and catch them, happily sit in the corner and make it squeak for long periods of time, etc.  I really appreciate her ability to entertain herself.  If I don't want to play when she approaches me with a toy, I just ignore her or say "Not now" and she goes off by herself.  Ziggy isn't the boss of me and she knows it.  I accommodate her far more than she knows, but it's still on my terms. 

Also, Ziggy isn't aggressive, but some of the behaviors are similar in terms of losing control in the face of stress.  And I really want to get her to stop scratching people - that's super obnoxious.  I think she ripped my tenant's shirt today.  And no, cutting her nails doesn't help - it makes them way sharper.  I could get a Dremel I guess, but ... I would just really rather that she not maul people if I tell her to stop.  She can still maul intruders.  Valuable skills, yo. 

The biggest problem with Ziggy pulling is me.  I get distracted and don't pay attention to the pressure on the leash until she's pulling pretty hard.  So, I'm unreliable and arbitrary in my rule enforcement, which means she thinks she should get to be unreliable and arbitrary. 




*That is only my interpretation of it.  Ziggy gets super excited whenever I get the chicken out for her  We're working on delayed gratification so I put it on a place well in advance of being ready to leave for the day, and she keeps running into her kennel to say, "Now?" and so by the time I am ready to leave, she is so damned excited.  the only problem is if I forget something and come back in after she's finished her special treat because then I've betrayed our covenant and I deserve a great deal of obscenity screamed at me, so she takes care of that.  REgardless, when I come home, she's more relaxed if she's spent nine hours in a crate than if she spent an hour on the couch.  She's been like, "Oh, hey, what's up."  No jumping or any real excitement when I let her out, just some pets and yoga poses (her, not me) and sniffing of anything I've brought in.  Wanting her to not ned to be in the kennel - that's all me.  She's apparently fine with it. 

this dog

I gave Ziggy a bone in the backyard today and after about half an hour she came inside to get water and cool off.  IT's damn hot out there.  I was proud of her for knowing her limits and not being obsessed with eating a bone and being stupid about it. 

That was an hour ago.  She was barking at the dog door and I told her to go on out and then I went back to doing dishes until I heard her clearing her throat.  She was standing in the middle of the living room with the bone in her mouth, waiting.  I said, "Do you really need that inside?" and of course she does.  It's hot outside.  So I said, "Will you eat it on the towel?" and she backed up so I could lay one down in the middle of the rug, and she promptly laid down on it and for the first time put the bone down.

OK, how does she understand all that?  Sometimes I swear this dog is some kind of genius. 

somebody is happy I'm home

This puppy.  So much love. 

She slept all night with me and decided that today is the day we'll do what I've been thinking about for awhile - getting up closer to 5:00 than 6:00. 

When I first got her, she would maul me awake.  It was not pleasant.  Now she is much more nuanced, but there is still a lot of snuggling involved.  HOnestly, she rarely does it anymore; usually she waits until she hears me stirring, or she doesn't come in before I get up at all.  But she's showing me all the love upon the glory of my return. 

reunited

Got home to a very sweet, calm puppy who just wants to cuddle.  She's also apparently pretty wiped out as in the middle of a game of tug right now, she just laid down.  Looking at me with that look of, "Do I need to get up?  I will if I need to.  But until then, I'll just close my eyes a little bit ... "

She was a big pain in the ass on the walk - pulling was bad, and of course I'm exhausted so not up for that. 

She also scratched me.  While she was being so well-behaved, when she was outside I went to the front to get some things and she saw me through the fence and I went to talk to her and she got super excited so I said we'd meet inside.  I walked in the door and she leaped and her claw scratched my thigh through my pants.  Dude.  Stop scratching like a cat.  Seriously. 

I"m getting kind of obsessed with the idea of moving to a national forest land, like how I grew up.  What would I do?  I have no idea.  Sip coffee and hang out with my dog.  Doesn't pay the bills, but it sure would be nice. 

it could be so much worse

Started a book Blood in the Cane Fields which I'm pretty excited to read because I've met the author and at least one person featured in it, and in the first chapter a man lets his dog out to run in the nearby cane field in the morning.  The dog doesn't come when called.  The guy goes out to get him and finds him licking blood from dead bodies.  The dog ignores the guy, and when the leash is hooked on, the dog badly bites the owner.

For all my issues with Little Ms. Reactive Catahooligan, something like that is far from our reality.  She doesn't LIKE when I take things away from her, but she has never shown me aggression.  The longer she's with me, the less she fusses about it.  She will wag her tail nervously and try to hide something from me, but she does not growl or bite or anything aggressive at all. Which is not to say that she never would - she's a dog for goodness sake.  But she never has.  No matter how stressed out, how bad her tantrum, she's never been aggressive.  Even when I pulled her out of a dog fight and her adrenaline was soaring, she did not bite me at all.  [ETA:  I've been bitten by dogs before.  It's not all that big of a deal, so long as they don't bite my hand or face.]

I had an interesting talk with a woman this morning walking a Corgie mix, a very sweet puppy she got as a rescue when about five years old.  Ultimately it boiled down to this: a dog freaking out when out and about needs to learn to trust its leader better.  And I think that's true.

When I filled out the paperwork with the veterinarian, I realized that Ziggy Stardust could have so many worse behavioral issues than she does.  Hers are so minor in comparison.  But, they hold her back from living a full, happy life, and so they are worth addressing.

I cannot wait to see that crazy puppy tomorrow!  So eager to get home to her. 

but that face though

From the sitter.  (Notice my super fancy furniture in the background.)

Ziggy sitter

Just talked to the woman watching Ziggy and it's all going fine.  Fabulous was the word she used.  Now, I have to always be careful with her because she exaggerates considerably - she is by nature very negative (bad birth family) and tries hard to overcome it.  But she convinced me by telling me everything, how she let Ziggy in and she trotted out on her own through the dog door and chewed on her bone, etc. 

Ziggy knew I was leaving and wasn't happy but she didn't throw a fit.  She's a good dog.  We've been keeping life mellow the past couple of days, and she had a good walk this morning but unfortunately her black dog friend was not there.  She was very disappointed but she recovered.  And then we cut the grass and she ran with her neighbor dog and she was fine. 

It's just not easy with Ziggy and I worry about her because her bad fits are like a toddler in a supermarket denied candy. 

Here's hoping that the four days they spend together are good ones. 

and then she bit me

She didn't really mean to but she wasn't careful.  She was playing with the frisbee and I said I wouldn't pick it up and throw it until she was done with it - no grabbing and fighting over it.  She put it on my lap and was still playing and bit it and it went through and bit me.  Just a pinch really but it hurt bad and she needs to be more careful.  "Ouch!  YOu fucking bit me!" and I jumped up and stormed upstairs. She watched me closely and then licked to make amends and then got tired of being sorry and told me to get over it.  Then we went for the world's worst walk.  Went down a street I hadn't before and there were SO MANY FUCKING DOGS BARKING AGGRESSIVELY and I had a wild Catahoula on a line it was awful.  Then a guy pulled up to say that I should take a different route because a woman was just attacked by bees.

Aggressive protective pit bulls and aggressive mean bees.  What the fuck?  Then he said, "Wait, IS THAT A CATAHOULA?" and Ziggy went berserk with excitement that he was excited about her and I think she was barking, "THIS BITCH IS CRAZY!  TAKE ME WITH YOU!  I'LL RIDE IN THE BACK OF YOUR PICKUP!" 

October is a long time away

I called the veterinary behaviorist office and the soonest we can get in in October, unless there's a cancellation.  Fingers crossed for that. 

Sigh.  Well, moving forward. 

Guess it's me and the dog books again for now.  The good news is that on the vet's website there are number of books suggested and I own all but one of them (which is really for trainers more than owners).  I'm on the right track.  Just need to be more diligent and ask for more help. 

Ziggy is such a little love and so sweet and our new routine is that I let her out of the kennel and ask if she needs to go outside and she runs right out the dog door as soon as I say, "Go."  For her to show me such deference and respect about whether she may or may not come in and out of the house is a good indication that we have a good relationship.  She just waits for permission politely.

Last night we went for a long walk and she came home and immediately crashed hard.  She came out an hour later as I was reading and lay down on the floor beside me on the couch and I pet her.  When I stopped, she whimpered pitifully.  Now, I don't want to encourage whimpering or the demandingness of telling me to pet her because I like that now she will come to me and I pet her if I want and when I'm done she doesn't usually push it.  But don't we all sometimes get to ask for hugs and caresses?  I'm delighted that she takes pleasure in my company.  This is not a given: it took us such a long time to bond.  Ziggy is skeptical and was definitely not impressed with me. 

If we go to the vet on the day we are scheduled, it will be two days before her gotcha day. 

Talking to the receptionist I realized, our problems aren't that bad.  Compared to things she usually hears, we're doing pretty damn well.  "So, it's fear-based aggression?"  "Well, I wouldn't really say aggression.  More like belligerence.  And I'm not sure it's fear - I can't figure it out. It's just that she gets so excited and her brain shuts down and she acts like a jackass.  Pretty sure that's the technical term for this: jackass."

sometimes she makes me proud, sometimes she dislocates my shoulder

Ziggy did a surprising thing today.  Usually when she sees a group of guys playing soccer she lunges and barks and cries to join in.  Today she saw it and took an immediate turn on a path we've never been on before.  It was pretty obviously an attempt to avoid a stressful situation for herself and I was very proud.  We walked far away and only when we were past and almost completetely out of sight did she allow herself to stand and watch them for a minute. 

She does not like to be followed, and neither do I, so while it's kind of annoying to have her keep stopping and staring openly at whoever is walking behind us, I also don't really mind it. 

Oh, and when two guys came up unexpectedly on the sidewalk with bikes, she didn't leap to chase like usual - she jumped into nearby bushes and sniffed vivaciously.  Pretending like they did not even get all up in her space, which usually provokes her.  That was a very surprising move she made.

She did both of these things after we passed the area where she had her last really bad meltdown, when we were with a friend and a guy with two dogs snuck up on us because we weren't paying attention. She lost her shit.  And today when we approached, she took a long few minutes staring and looking around because nobody's surprising this pup a second time.  When satisfied, we continued along our way. 

Lest you confuse my puppy with the amazing progress with a well-behaved dog, however, she did some major yanks on the leash for squirrels.  Those squirrels are such jackasses and absolutely provoke her. 

So, I found a pet-friendly hotel with good reviews not far from the veterinary behaviorist I communicated with.  I'm thinking this really needs to happen and it needs to happen SOON.  It will blow my budget, but having a well-adjusted dog would be worth it.  I don't want her to be so stressed, and I want her to play with other dogs, and I want to have friends over. 

Hope?

Ziggy Stardust and I may have a long road trip in our future.  I heard back from the veterinary behaviorist in Texas, and she is open to working with us, to include video, phone, Skype follow-ups.

My goals are: to help Ziggy be less reactive.  I want her to not stress out over people and dogs.  I want her to greet people more calmly, if cautiously (she is after all my home security system).  No jumping, mouthing, scratching, nipping.  I want her to learn to interact appropriately with dogs so that our walks are not consisting of me constantly scanning the environment to turn on heel immediately.  I would love for her to be able to interact with other dogs positively, so that I could take her to doggy daycare, enroll her in agility or flyball, etc.  And to be able to easily find care for her either with a sitter with other dogs, a kennel, or a friend because Ziggy's not freaking now. 

Honestly, I would prefer that - the extracurricular activities for her - instead of getting another dog, though I'll do that too if I need to.  But I like our relationship with her as an only dog. 

I wonder how much of that is possible.  Man, if I could find good care for her when I travel, my life would be so much better.  the thought of her playing all day with other dogs makes me so happy, but we are not there at all. 

ON an unrelated note, my friend yesterday was very impressed that Ziggy is trained to respond to hand signals.  To be fair, Ziggy is very bright and learns super quickly because it's fun.  But to be honest, I'm not a great trainer, and she's not trained to hand signals - she's trained to a mime in a park reading a children's story.  I get her attention, say a command slowly and clearly, while making a very exaggerated gesture.  There is nothing subtle about how I put out my hand to tell her to stay and wait.  I'm like an aircraft controller on a short runway, violently waving flags and lights.  I look ridiculous when I do most of the things I do with Ziggy, and I sound ridiculous.  I talk to her a lot, often using a baby talk of sorts, with a lot of affection.  I talk to her like she understands reason, which honestly I think she does - as a dog.  But I can say to her, "Hey now, stop that.  Look at me.  Look.  In my eyes.  Do you really think that is acceptable?  I need you to take it down a notch and chill."  That does not work when she's overreactive, but it works when she's just a jackass, sometimes.  I can also say things like, "Hey, I get it.  You're bored.  What can we do?  Too hot for a walk.  How about you get the rope toy and we play tug.  What do you think?  Get the rope toy?"  And if she wants to, she looks around and finds it and brings it to me.  I get it - I'm supposedly doing it all wrong.  Trainers are all about using short commands, always repeating the same thing for the same action, etc.  But through seven months (!) of trial and error, I've learned that having a conversation with Ziggy is better.  Of course she doesn't understand everything I say, and she pretends she doesn't understand some of what I say that she perfectly well understands. 

Ziggy will never be some overly compliant dog.  It's not her nature, her breed, her personality. She is spunky and sassy and I love that about her.  But if she could just stop freaking out, my life would be a whole lot easier. 

my medicine

I'm working myself up into a fit about having to leave Ziggy for five days and four nights soon and then six days and nights in August.  It's just so much.  And then again in September.  And then in October. 

Is it harder on her or me?  I can't tell, she can't text me and say, "YO, this woman's left me alone for twelve hours.  When are you coming home?" 

NObody loves Ziggy like I do.  The woman yesterday asked how long I leave her outside and then I realized she meant like to just leave her out there. Um, no.  Ziggy comes back inside when she wants to.  Ziggy gets to do a lot of what Ziggy wants, but why not?  She's my pet, my companion, my sidekick, my ride or die.  I much prefer her companionship to that of most humans, so why wouldn't I let her on the couch? That's not what causes her belligerence, it makes her not belligerent with me. Now she trusts me to an extent, but she doesn't trust other people which is one reason that she jumps to see their faces and know them. 

So here's an interesting thing I just realized.  I have long wanted to have foster children but known that my limits don't allow for any serious medical or behavioral issues. But Ziggy is showing me that my limits are a whole lot further than I knew.  So much of what I do with Ziggy is what I would do with a child on the autism spectrum, with ADHD, with OCD, with ODD.  I know the alphabet soup and I've loved children with all of these titles, I just couldn't imagine raising them ... but at some point when I was locking myself into the bathroom to calm down Ziggy I think I became much less somebody who needs to control her home environment and somebody who will modify it greatly to accommodate some being in need.  When I spoke with my co-worker about the dog she had with the issues, she walked through them and said she pees and poops in the house when stressed and I shrugged.  I have tile floors and rugs I don't much like, I can get a steam cleaner if rolling them up and storing them isn't good for the dogs (Ziggy spins around on the tile a lot where there's no rug).*

Ziggy is belligerent to strangers but she is very considerate to me in her own ways and brings me tremendous joy.  She stretches the limits of my patience, massaging them beyond bounds I previously conceived, and makes me reevaluate what I thought was important.  Everybody who meets Ziggy marvels at my patience, but what's the other option?  The only other option I was given was to abandon her to a kill shelter where her stress could push her over the edge and change this belligerent teenager into somebody with actual aggression.

I'm doing the best I can with Ziggy, which is not as much as I'd like but it's a whole lot more than most people would do.  I am now in the club of people with problem dogs, who manage as best they can.

And I am frequently filled with rage at all the really bad, ignorant people who take cute puppies and fuck them up and then abandon them and leave responsible people to try to fix their mistakes and make dogs who can live in the world and not be killed.  Human irresponsibility at its worst.  So frustrating.

But I can't dwll there because then I only see Ziggy's failures and not all of her successes, of which there are many.  We have momentum.

What I want for Ziggy is to learn to manage her stress so that the world is not a place she needs to react to, to move out of her amygdala.  I want her to learn social skills to get along with people and other dogs.  I want the kindness and care she has for children (whom she is always better with than adults) to shine through and to find situation where she can use those skills.  I want to get her through this period of being broken from past neglect/abuse and to help her learn to then help others coming from the same situation - whether we foster other dogs or children.  Ziggy is a remarkable dog in many ways and I think she could do great things if I can figure out how to get her there.

The woman yesterday remarked how very well trained Ziggy is in terms of obedience - she obeys hand signals, etc.  She is so easy to train because she's smart and loves positive reinforcement.  But I don't need her to do circus tricks, I need her brain to stop short-circuiting.  Totally different.

Every time I leave her, it sets us back on this path, this journey to her improvement.  But it is what it is and we will survive and keep moving forward, even if there are many steps back along the way.  

And to be honest, it's also really hard to leave her because when I feel anxious or depressed, snuggling with Ziggy is the best medicine. 




*Note: that dog is pending in an adoption, which is great news for her and she won't be coming to live with us.